Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
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Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
do married people watch gen z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
New mindset, who dis?
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
#FunnyLife Insects
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.