Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real

Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe

My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.

[6 PM]

Tween:

[7 PM]

Tween:

[8 PM]

Tween:

[9 PM]

Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.

*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*

5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?

*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*

Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go

5yo: I’m full from leaves

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is “redacted”

me: ████████

judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct

If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.

When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.

if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out

Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.

I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.

Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.

My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.

14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”

*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*

*table stretches to five pages*

I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.

My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.

I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.

Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.

returning to work after a holiday weekend like

I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.

Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.

It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.

If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”

*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.

My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours

the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.

Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?

Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.

Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am

I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport

Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.