Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
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Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
ME: Just because someone can play acoustic guitar doesn’t automatically mean they can sing.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
The worst part of getting struck by lightning is everyone seeing your skeleton
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
my favorite gender
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages