me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
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Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
When I asked my son who the best reader in his class was, he said, “probably ms sue.”
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.