me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
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ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Enjoying a few cups of coffee at my enormous kitchen island while being scrutinized by my two friends, one of whom has a torso that is physically inside the island
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa
#DadJoke
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.