Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is

Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton

My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”

me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral

god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit

[labels account “18+”]

[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]

genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous

Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?

Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.

Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away

Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?

Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS

Interviewer:

Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?

Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?

what if we kissed on the garfield couch

Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.

Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.

[first day as a pilot]

me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for

co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed

“So, what’s the plan?”

“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”

Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?

I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.

if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?

I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them

Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.

What a website

Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about

A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.

i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins

Me: We’re swimming in debt

Wife: It’s fine

Me: The kids are going nuts

Wife: They’re fine

Me: You haven’t had a break in months

Wife: I’m fine

Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means

Wife: I’M FINE

girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”

evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts

Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.

Me: i want a ferraro

Friend: ferrari?

Me: no just one

HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?

ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’