me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
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men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism: