Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Get off my horse you stupid moon

ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them

MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long

ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them

How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”

drive thru: can I take your order?

me: no I want it

I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.

[on a date]

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”

[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok

Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.

So can you!

Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them

Step 2:Become a lawyer

Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love

Step 4:Become rich

Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.

Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…

I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.

So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.

My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process

You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment

“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars

My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.

them: where do you see yourself in five years

me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture

I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.

Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.

Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.

Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.

Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?

Me: uh no

WCD: how about moomoo?

Me: can I have something in between?

WCD: no can do

Welcome to adulthood.

Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.

Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.

Baker: Is there a problem?

Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!

This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.

BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala

As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now

HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime

ME: i can change, Becky

HER:

ME: into a semi truck

LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.