*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
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Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
(finding some nice fresh limbs) nice… these will be perfect for my frankenstein
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Orcas are not our friends
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
“You don’t feel well? Pfffft you just don’t want to come over”
Me: fine! I guess I can die just as easy at your house as I can my own
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.