Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…

He brews.

[Snake Owners Club]

Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.

[Me & like 3 other guys leave]

My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”

Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.

Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid

Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-

Me: the bottom half

Waiter: very good, sir

“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.

Before marriage: Kisses

After marriage: Hisses

girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.

[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?

Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.

I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.

[Super Bowl Halftime performance]

Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶

7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?

9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor

My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.

The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.

sex so good you start seeing dead people..

oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that

Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?

Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?

Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?

5: it was really loud

Me: loud?

5: yes because I screamed the whole time!

My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee

All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.

I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.

My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.

I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.

Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?

Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.

this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:

nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed

Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.

Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.

Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago

Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”

Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.