Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice

Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO

Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time

I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.

man: hello I want a drugs

dealer: are you the cops?

man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop

dealer: are you sure!

man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop

dealer: here are four drugs

man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop

[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus

me: what’s your biggest turnoff

her: noisy people

me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same

Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.

Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder

Me: oh shit

Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together

My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.

She bought me eye drops.

I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.

Kermit goes Blue.

Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?

There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.

Me: No.

My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.

[on road trip]

Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.

[45 min later]

Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*

Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!

*Pulls out 10000 spoons*

Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?

Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video

Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it

Space.

Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?

Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.

I coughed and I heard his pee stop.

*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?

It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house

Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,

Take me with you.

5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.

Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?

[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this

All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.

Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis

Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.