Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[job interview]

Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!

The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.

My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.

Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.

Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.

I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door

Bought some of that edible cookie dough.

Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.

I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.

Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.

Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.

*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE

*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*

I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.

Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.

My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”

8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”

A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.

[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]

THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?

ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.

Sorry I called you an imbecile.

I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.

Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year

[coworkers chatting about me, to me]

cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰

“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”

-Me, when my husband has a cold.

waiter: what’ll it be?

me: I’ll have chameleon

waiter: that’s not on the menu

me: how can you be sure?

Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.

Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.

The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.

*throws goods on conveyor belt*

Cashier: is that all sir?

Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”

Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons

“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb

They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.

kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him