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It’s either five or nothing bro
– if wet wipes could talk
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
One day I’m gonna be like “and then we used to lick the envelopes to seal them” and some kid is gonna think I’m out of my goddamn mind
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
i wonder if americans realize just how much more insulting the phrase “room temperature IQ” is to those who use the metric system
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Do we think Neil deGrasse Tyson is more upset about the idea of “Defying Gravity” or the concept of “Holding Space”?
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*