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GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
In honor of the fall equinox I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness
Don’t you hate when you come in from practicing your lightsaber skills in the outhouse and your wife says ‘Oh look, it’s the return of the Shedi’ and then your kids cry laugh for forty minutes.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
To all staff: the library now uses new programs for collaboration, project management, scheduling, and messaging. Each has different password requirements with 12-factor authentication. This will boost productivity for the 20 minutes a day that you’re not logging into something.
accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
CEOs are in danger, we need to put all of them in a submarine until we know it’s safe
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.