Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.

PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.

[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down

[presidents 2km race – finish line]

OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?

CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11

I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked

I just want to be as happy as these people singing about diabetes medication

I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.

Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.

I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.

Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.

If I was a weather man I’d leak the weather early to pretty women

Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers

Her: Did you find the restroom?

Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL

hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷

Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.

Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.

My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work

Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.

*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today

Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt

ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!

HER: No, spelunking is a thing

ME: Ha ha, absototesly.

One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.

I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.

*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*

You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.

WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go

God I hate condescending assholes!

(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)

Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!

Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?

If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.

cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest