Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
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Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Never let them know your next move 😂
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Imagine the excruciating discomfort of having nothing to say to a child and choosing to compliment it on its gait. I myself don’t have to imagine.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Every gift guide for men is like “A flannel flask to hold your knife flavored whiskey.”
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.