Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.

Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.

I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me

i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb

Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.

*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?

“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”

“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”

shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch

A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.

God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion

Angel: Sounds perfect

God: Lol, they have to pick two of three

…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt

Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart

At peace with myself?

We can’t even decide which channel to watch

My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.

8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.

Me: Goodnight Moon.

Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?

Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids

Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…

Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.

(2022)

“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel

My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.

Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what

no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them

Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.

This is why I hate group projects

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

is this a warning or an offer?

Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”

I bought some night vision goggles so I can eat lasagna in bed at night without waking up my wife.