Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. i’d be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point

mary: my water broke

joseph: why do I smell grapes

The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105

me: can we stop at olive garden

mom: we have family at home

I’m not drunk enough for this

*gets drunk

I’m too drunk for this

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

Inventor of beer: This will change the world.

Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]

Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.

HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:

Dearly Beloved

Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.

If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.

[During sex]

Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*

Him: Ok… Wanna role play?

Me: Sure, you’re a musician

Him: Oooh! Which one?!

Me: Bono

Him: Why Bono?

Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.

I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.

Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.

What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?

What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?

[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW

Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.

Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?

Biden: 😉

The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.

My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office

She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.

Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”

I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard

It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.

Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.

Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.

Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.

The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.

5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.

7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.

Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!

Finally! 😈