Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?

Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.

Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad

The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?

Me: no, I’m Dad

The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on

covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.

I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.

[looking for our lost son in the mall]

ME: we should split up and find him

WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*

hotel guest: what room am I in?

me: this is the lobby

manager: can I talk to you

Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.

My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

poor people: innuendo

rich people: hoteluendo

Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick

therapy: $90/hr

saying “it eez what it eez”: $0

Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”

Doctor: “40”

12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.

a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock

Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.

Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.

Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber

[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough

My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool

Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?

-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender

My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.

I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman

I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.

While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.

[creation of walrus]

god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard

angel: sorry, come again?

god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers

angel: dude what

god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula

angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse

[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]

“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”

Cop: license and registration

Me: that won’t be necessary officer

*places a glazed donut in his pocket

I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.

I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans