Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world

[20 years later]

Boss: ok lift on three

Me: oh shit

My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.

Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one

Government Shutdown: Day 13

Anthony Weiner decides to help.

He takes a photo.

He tweets.

Congress now sees where balls are located.

Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah!

[Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on

The 3 types of Christmas movies:

1. Movies about Santa.

2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.

3. Die Hard

ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral

Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.

Meanwhile in Heaven…

Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.

Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*

Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*

sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”

Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.

I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks

2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!

Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.

Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for

I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets

Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.

[about to go in for emergency surgery]

ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?

AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?

ME: No, I was happy with my first try.

me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home

wife: what happened to you?

me: I met a celebrity this morning

wife: and….

[earlier at the car wash]

optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?

I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.

My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.

friend: look how big my new plant is getting!

me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has

Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today

If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.

Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?

[I get called in 10 minutes later]

Hold on, let me finish this article.

When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.

Person: My name is Mora.”

Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”

*Door behind her unlocks*

duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?