Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

neighbors are automatically creepy because they’re strangers who know where you live

Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours

ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a

they’re called hooves, dummy🙄

You need to let shit go.

~ Buddha

I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways

day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island

day 18: im starting to think that help will never come

day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!

day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen

You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.

I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.

Two types of dogs.

“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it

*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!

Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-

Romeo: LIFE

Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?

New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?

Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here

New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?

Me: I didn’t say things like that?

Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.

when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus

10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.

Me: It’s 6 am.

Me: i want a ferraro

Friend: ferrari?

Me: no just one

I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.

Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]

My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?

I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.

I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich

Preserved fruit, that’s my jam

Which is it, brain?

Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything

if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back

sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover

Chatting to an old couple there going to Majorca. He was so upset. Said he wished he’d brought his piano with him. I explained that it wouldn’t go in the hold and that he’d be back soon enough. He said he understood that, but he’d left their tickets and passports on it.

Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.

I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.