me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
You Might Also Like
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
💻🤡
Stonehenge is vulnerable to vandalism because it’s too easily accessible. If our ancestors had possessed any common sense they wouldn’t have built an important monument so close to a major road like the A303.