me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
You Might Also Like
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
“SAY IT.”
“I’m a dirty little plant.”
“And what do you want?”
“I want you to water me.”
“I’m gonna water you so hard.”
“That’s how I like it.”
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember
me: the question you just asked
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.