Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
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Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
🤣🤣🤣
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?