Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.

Expected my family to chew me out this morning bc I ate all our cans of Who Hash last night but luckily we were also robbed by the Grinch last night so I blamed him for taking the Who Hash and my stupid Who family totally bought it LET’S GOOOO 🗣️🗣️🗣️

Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*

My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.

my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon

My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.

Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.

For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.

Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning

Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America

INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?

ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.

If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.

Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.

men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less

How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.

We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.

I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.

inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.

assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.

inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.

Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.

[cannibal restaurant]

server: hi, who’ll you have?

cannibal: just bring me the Bill

My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.

For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.

“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”

[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT

Imma just leave this here…………

I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.

(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn

Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.

listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time

Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”