Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.

Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma

Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!

“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”

Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.

a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready

*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados

Merry Christmas

Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.

Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver

*flashes smile*

*smile calls police*

If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.

6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes

[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline

Careful, that’s a load-bearing delusion

Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.

Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-

*wakes up*

[bakery]

me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday

clerk: ok what about this one

me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?

can’t bark with your mouth full

Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people

Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”

me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*

son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March

I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.

cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table

*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*

I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.

2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.

Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.

I’m taking my teen driving so if I don’t make it back just know my last words were probably “HIT THE F’ING BRAKE!!!”

My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.

just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant

[first date]

date: i’m an optimist

me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before

*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER