Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: where’s Jim

GUY: your guess is as good as mi—

ME: the moon

GUY: ok no

Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.

I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still

It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.

Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*

Friend: Bad breakup?

Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.

ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?

DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow

ME: Can I shake hands with people?

DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them

ME: …

DOCTOR: …

ME: …

DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one

*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*

OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE

Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]

Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’

You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.

Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.

I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.

I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.

I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”

[marriage counsellor looking at me after my wife is done speaking] why do you want to be on the masked singer so badly?

You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it

The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.

An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.

Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid

My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.

Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist

Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.

-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.

Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.

me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*

guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you

McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”

Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it

Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?

If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.

I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question