Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?

ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–

SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.

ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?

Toddler: *babbling nonsense*

Me: Ok, got it!

Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.

I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.

Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.

I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.

All generalizations are stupid.

You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products

If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.

As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from

~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day

Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket

*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers

If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.

Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough

Getting married soon just need a spouse

when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings

Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.

My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.

Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days

Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?

Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.

These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.

The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.

[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*

Window air conditioners are the camel of the appliance world.

You haven’t turned the A/C on in a month? It has rained 0.04″ in the past 2 weeks? Don’t worry, the A/C has planned for this and has stored up water to pour out onto your pants and the floor as soon as you remove it.

3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!

Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??

7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!

wife: I’m leaving you

me: is it because of my hobby?

wife: yes

me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”

me: “why tf does my back hurt??”

also me:

DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos