me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
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When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Thinking about that time when I was young and crank called an operator and she called me back because she was an operator.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
figuring out my emotional availability:
They were playing soft rock in the bank earlier so I called it ‘Debt Metal’ lol and then the teller stabbed me in the hand with her pen.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Kids these days don’t know the shame of having to explain yo-yo injuries.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
old twitter is back baby
Finally
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”