Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
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I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
“I wouldn’t.”
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.
Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you’re an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.
Friend: ugh algorithms are the worst, don’t you hate how it’s all news and politics and sadness on your feed all the time?
Me, who only sees baby animals and dessert recipes: yeah totally, so awful
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what