Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
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Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
This made me chuckle cuz mood
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔
So, I turned it into wine.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
My dad installed a dash cam in my car at some point when I was home for thanksgiving and I found out when I turned my car on to go to target and a very clearly Chinese lady’s voice said “start recording” out of nowhere
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
