me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
You Might Also Like
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
My cat is like a shitty Roomba that picks up all the dirt off the floor, but then just deposits it onto the carpet.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
the last thing a carrot sees
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
constantly working on myself.
