me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
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You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
No way!
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Anyone under 6ft 4 who wants to use an umbrella in a crowd should have to do a course.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Someone suggested I try online dating, but it’s like I’m already on twitter duh
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait