me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
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We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Maybe the Grinch would be nicer if someone wasn’t singing songs about what a piece of shit he is every 7 minutes
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.