Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’

-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.

Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?

“I don’t know, how would I know?”

GF: I’m pregnant!

“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”

You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.

interviewer: how did u hear about us

me: *sweating* w-with my ears

You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?

I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.

As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.

Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?

Me: no, is he any good?

Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you

me on ellen

ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen

me: yeah

*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*

both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt

DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?

Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”

son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?

me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son

If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.

I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn

me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us

bucket of fried chicken:

football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays

It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.

Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!

My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI

I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.

first wiseman: i brought you gold

second wiseman: i brought you frankincense

third wiseman: i brought you myrrh

fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself

mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down

RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is

Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.

So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?

Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.

Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*

My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone

I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.

me: god I need a break from work

God: [creates pandemic]

me: not like that

The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.