Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?
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Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:
“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”
And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”