Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good

Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra

Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.

At the beginning of the week our boss told us to not talk this week because ownership was visiting which is insane but today I learned there was an office pool to see how long before I yapped and it was over $500 I’m reporting the winner to the IRS

I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way

{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshake

Exterminator: there’s your problem

[1st date]

waiter: can I bring you anything?

her: maybe some Worcestersh–

me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–

her: and the check

Hang in there buddy

“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”

Every child ever: No you’re not.

I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.

My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me

[canadians at you, canadianly]

I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.

my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it

Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*

My dog: *blasts off from earth*

I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?

No weirdos.

I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”

CW: How was your weekend?

*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”

CW: Are you talking to a stapler?

“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”

All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream

At an art museum and I thought this was art

I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.

I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.

This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.

Supermassive Black Hole
Or what others call pizza night

I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.

What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?

I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.

If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.

– dead people