Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?
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My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
😂😂
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.