Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox

90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.

I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet

I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?

Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”

My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”

A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”

A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: hindsight

professor x: that won’t help us

me: yes I see that now

Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —

Satan: I have a girlfriend.

I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.

GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields

I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.

[at a dinner party]

Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee

*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill

I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.

DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!

[climbing inside trojan horse]

general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!

Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*

*eat the good cheese

Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?

When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.

I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.

woman in my gym locker room has multiple containers of fresh chinese takeout spread out on the bench and is just happily munching away

my proudest tweet

This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.

ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*

I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.

at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you

As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.

Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.

I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?