Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s crazy that we get one toothbrush as a kid and we have to use it once a week for the rest of our lives.

Him: What’s another word for pee?

Her: Urinate.

Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.

Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI show up drunk on Fridays and sexually harass my coworkers

At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…

Them: be yourself

Me: do you have any better advice

my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it

boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.

me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?

You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past

My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.

[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts

*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*

Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?

Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them

Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.

Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!

5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?

I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.

Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands

Therapist: You too?

Me: [screams]

me: I’d like to work from home

hr: request deni—

m: but it’s government advice

hr: it’s simply imposs—

m: and these are dangerous times

hr: but you’re a train driver?

Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.

Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.

Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.

When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.

Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?

Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.

Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?

5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”

[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]

OMG a foot!

I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?

Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.

5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.

am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes

*road trip*

husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car

husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*

ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics

i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard