Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?

*Guy tries giving me his phone number*

Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one

If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.

I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.

Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”

My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”

[god creating seahorses]

angel: any more ideas for animals?

god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim

Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.

Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf

I pray every night that I never become religious…

*aggressively skips to my Lou*

70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.

Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.

baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines

What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?

You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood

Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet

me: your wife’s surgery was a success

him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?

me: *shrug* I’m free whenever

“Morning, how was your weekend?”

Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?

4-year-old: You!

Me: Who’s your favorite dad?

4: Mom.

So close.

I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd

Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?

No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.

“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.

I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!

[at a restaurant]

me: do you have a box I can put this in

waiter: the… the child?

Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word

Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!

I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.

me: *waking up* who’s there

monster under bed: hi

me: *shaking* omg you’re real

monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you

me: oh

monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy

me: dad?

monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax

*During sex*

Him: come on baby, moan for me….

Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?