Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour

Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.

“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”

How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?

My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.

I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.

Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.

Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.

SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too

Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023

With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.

My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.

I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.

Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.

“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”

“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”

Sorted

I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.

I wished that I won’t die a virgin.

If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.

COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?

PLAYER: 2020.

COACH: Correct. Who is the president?

PLAYER: I don’t know.

COACH: Also correct.

Still a very good boi….

The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.

WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer

before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’

after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’

feeling melancholy. think I’ll have a drink and make things much worse

overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”

I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.

My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.

Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?

Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.

These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.

heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)

My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure