Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just got emotional imagining a worm emerging from its cocoon as a dragonfly and then got even more emotional remembering that’s not what they do

Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.

If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think

Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat

20s: I want to see the world!

40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.

HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady

ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*

Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.

Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time

I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?

The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.

“I want to request the next book in this series.”
“Sorry, it looks like that title isn’t coming out until sometime next year.”
“So are you saying you can’t request it?”
“Not yet, no.”
“See, this is why I hate libraries.”
“No, this is why you hate linear time.”

If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.

Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?

Wife: Ew, gross.

Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?

Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.

If you love something, set it free.

(Does not apply to ferrets.)*

*I am no longer allowed on the subway.

Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim

(McDonald’s bathroom)

*pulls away from kissing*

You’re better than my mirror at home

therapist: you’re overthinking

me: what if-

therapist: don’t

me: WHAT IF

therapist:

me: what if everyone else is underthinking

Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night

It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.

The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.

I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”

Copy Editor is a rewording career.

The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.

Apparently my superpower is being invisible.

“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”

Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY

I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.

Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying

Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning

Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting

Many commentators say that vigilante groups are never the answer. But they clearly don’t know the masked Ecuadorian trio named “Acción Ortográfica Quito,” who roam the streets at night with a singular purpose: to correct all the spelling and grammar mistakes they find in graffiti

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled

If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.