Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘monosyllabic’

“Can you describe it in a sentence?”

Yes

The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores

[ cookout ]

Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!

Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup

No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.

the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things

ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.

ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?

Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.

the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly

Mouse

My husband drives me to drink.

Unless a friend volunteers.

*starts the dishwasher*

*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*

I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…

*slides deodorant across the table*

*Follows dreams

*Ends up at refrigerator.

woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows

*died in your arms tonight*

*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*

*buried in the woods the day after that*

As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.

Rose: I’ll never let go

Jack: are you sure aboat that lol

Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before

Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo

Rose: maybe you should let go

“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.

Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.

HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.

I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank

11: You take a lot of naps

Me: Well you weren’t using them

Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way

Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery

My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:

“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”

me missing my flight to montreal bc i didn’t know you needed a passport to go canada has become my ‘mispronounced word’ for my friends. whenever i’m about to do anything they go “do you need a passport?” it’s not even a funny joke. and i must live with it for the rest of my life

A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.

My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..

Bought a pair of sustainable
alligator shoes.
‘How do you know they’re authentic?’
‘I don’t have to cut my toe nails anymore!’