Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
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a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
WTF
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Breaking news:
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator