Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
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I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.