Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?

It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.

Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.

Cop: Admit it! You killed that family

Murderer: You can’t prove anything…

Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing

*Cooks dinner for family*

Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm

[gazing into The mirror of Erised]

Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*

Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*

Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.

Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY

Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!

*Beats guy over the head with celery.*

Stalking is hard.

Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.

Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!

Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.

[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekend

ME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk

*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule

7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.

You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.

HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school

ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*

What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls

Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!

F.Y.I. You pee on a jellyfish sting not a jelly stain.

Again my apologies to the lady at the IHOP this morning.

Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.

*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*

ME: hell yeah

13: hell yeah, the classics

*clicks the radio OFF*

ME: you’re grounded

*pronounces injury like lingerie*

I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.

Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.

My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix

Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.

Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz

Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.

You don’t have toupee.

god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys

god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!

Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.