Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are plenty of fish in the sea.

There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.

My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.

“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*

Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha

🎉Made my last car payment 🎉

I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore

wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.

I have the body of a 30yr old

Sofa.

I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.

Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”

[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]

Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!

12: It’s called texting.

Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.

What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.

[from the sperm donation room]

Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS

If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.

I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.

I think I look pretty okay for my age. It’s just when I hold menus two feet from my face that I know the ruse is up.

Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.

Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month

Me: ok I won’t.

[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]

Wife:

Me: starting now.

Sigmund Freud: I fell over

Me: A Freudian slip?

Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass

Me: Is it a bit of a pane?

Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune

Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud

I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.

My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours

I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson

Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.

Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE

ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking

My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age

it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel

officer: fair enough

I like chaos.

-turns on news-

Not like that

My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis

when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.