Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?

Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter

Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.

Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.

I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.

*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!

Ghost: Death is coming for you

Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous

I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.

Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!

The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.

“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”

All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.

[before horsepower was invented]

car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons

Can’t, too busy deleting screenshots of my lock screen

Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.

50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.

you aren’t “dehydrated”, you have attachment issues and you were denied water as a child

I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.

FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples

*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*

your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”

Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.

HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.

ME: Show me {moves closer}

HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}

ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.

[Art Museum]

Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.

Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING

Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.

I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.

My wife got mad at me because I got fast food without asking her if she wanted anything, so she used her flat iron to turn my curly fries into regular fries.

A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.

I’m in your fridge late at night like this!

I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.

waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?

me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?