Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.

Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.

Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.

Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.

“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”

Liam Neeson returns in…

TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED

(Summer 2015)

Me: You ate radishes.

Friend: How can you tell?

Me: You’re burping them.

F: They were really good radishes.

Me: Not from where I’m standing.

We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.

GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”

ME: “Yes”

GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”

ME: “YES”

GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”

ME: “I’m out”

I once drove a girl home from the pub and she spent the entire time messing with my car radio and changing the music then she said we should hang out sometime and I said “absolutely not”

house sitting!

Copy Editor is a rewording career.

just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money

In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.

toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else

Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel

wife: i’m leaving you

me: is it because i’m a chameleon

wife: no you’re not

me: I can change I swear

They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.

car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha

me: ok phew haha

*muffled screaming*

car salesman: 100%

“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels

[first time paying taxes]

me: how much do I owe?

irs: 🙂

me: am I supposed to guess?

irs: :)))

me: what if I guess wrong?

irs: :))))))))))))))))))

Me: I need the other guy

Him: I’m the head surgeon

Me: [with a broken foot] exactly

Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.

Friend: How was your job interview?

Me: I think I hugged him too long.

Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers

Doctor: You mean selfish?

[30 crabs come out of my pants]

Doctor: Haha here’s some cream

god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean

angel: sounds fearsome

god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave

My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”

If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.

Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.

My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.

ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery