me: lmao i saw it on twitter
them: what’s your twitter
me: i don’t have twitter
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I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..
I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.