me logging onto twitter
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[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
For the ones in the back.
These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in