me logging onto twitter
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Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Her: I’m a midwife
Me: nonsense. you’re a beautifulwife
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
The Kool-aid Man: [down on his luck] screw it, I’m going to become a swear jar
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”