Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.

ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time

HER: you mean ‘ravages’?

ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me

young jesus: mom where do babies come from

joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?

My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.

[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.

I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.

changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities

Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.

[loud bar]

Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.

Little known trivia:

If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.

Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now

Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.

– news stations

fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks

Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.

*me to my dog.

Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-

[10 minutes later]

Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE

I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.

He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.

my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point

My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”

“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”

“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.

[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”

*dads go nuts*

“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”

[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT

I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?

Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.

Average age of billionaires: 65

Average age of billionaires in books: 35

Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.

Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though

Review for this new shatter I just tried:

Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.

Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”

Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?

The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke