Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

rest in peas

Them: if you could be any animal wha-

Me: rotisserie chicken

Me: i need a copy of this key.

hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.

me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.

I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists

The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”

7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.

The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo

Would it be possible to visit this cool ranch where the Doritos are being packaged? I just want to make sure they’re being treated well

Me: I’m going to poop

Dog: Great I’m coming with you

Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide

Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.

my favouritest X’s, ranked:

9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife

“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.

Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.

do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”

Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.

Me: I wish for unlimited genies.

Genie: Son of a

If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.

Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …

“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.

Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!

Me: Nothing in the second?

Her: No, I skipped a period.

Me:

Her:

Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked

How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?

Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41m

Groundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days

If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.

No, YOU’RE a child!

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s

[several hours later]

time management.

HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?

ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?

HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?

ME: I love you.

My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.

pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher

*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”

[in court during a murder trial]

hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG

me: right here