me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
You Might Also Like
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
What I say: Maybe.
What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.
Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
We found love in a hopeless place.
