Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi

judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth

me: no

judge: [covers mic] what do I do

GF: Can I have some almonds?

Me: Sure I’m done with them.

GF: These are good!

Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.

I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.

Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.

Jeff: i’m pro gun.

Me: i’m anti gun.

Greg: i’m vegan.

Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.

R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live

CDC: Exactly

R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before

CDC: Uh, okay?

R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work

CDC: NO

I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-

~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks

For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.

I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.

He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”

My wife: am I beautiful?

Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat

Me: But I was singing Britney Spears

Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”

Me: That’s a lyric

Bouncer: You were in the bathroom

They say that sex is the best form of exercise.

Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.

My onlyfans will be $9.99 and for that price I’ll ask if I can come over and hang, let you stress-clean because you don’t want me to see how you actually live, then cancel last minute so you can relax by yourself in your nice clean home. It will be called onlyplans.

alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right

Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.

Me, showing up to school the next day:

6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name

Four Worst Feelings Ever:

4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic

You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.

Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.

Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?

Thinking about when I got to the hospital to give birth and the doctor asked when the contractions started and I said “11:48” and he laughed and said “Wow, so specific. 11:48 and how many seconds?” and I’m just saying that man is lucky to be alive.

5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.

Me: You grew. How is that my fault?

5: You fed me.

Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?

Me: I’m…

Wife: … no

Me: a…

Wife: … don’t

Me: *stares at wife* master baster!

2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth

starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone

Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?

Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.

-me to my beer.

“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily

If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…