Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
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waiter: I’ll be right back with your ticket
me: can you just let me go with a warning this time
If the zombie apocalypse happens we’re double screwed because at least 70 million are on record as having no brain
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
why neck hurt
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Ummm
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.