Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate elevators, they give me vertigo

I take many steps to avoid them

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers back

How about your kid?

Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup

Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?

[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?

“How can I improve my cooking skills?”

Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone

Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]

Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses

It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”

The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.

Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?

Me: I was thinking cremation.

Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work

this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens

Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns

Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him

Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.

The Rules

My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.

My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.

NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said

my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life

(Job interview)

The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later

Me: Okay, I’ll start later then

Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open

Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.

Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.

[first day as a pilot]

This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.

ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night

WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.

You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.

March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.

Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?

*flashes back to ex

*shudders

Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.

“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.

I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry