me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
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Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
She: I like Cats
He:
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
#inspiration #foodforthought
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’