me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
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him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
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Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
A woman at the gym is wearing a shirt that says “oh my quad Becky look at those squats”
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
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If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.