me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
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Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Me every time my old dentists office calls me to schedule an appointment not knowing I changed to a new dentist
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
No one judges you harder than a dental receptionist when you don’t know if you’ll be free at 2pm on a random Tuesday, in six months time.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.