me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
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I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Um … Hot Wings please
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Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Dietest Coke
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Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.
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When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.