Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.

Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.

establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you

After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.

All that money and nothing to chauffer it.

“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…

…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.

if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off

Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.

kidnapper: we have your son

dad: his fault for staying out all night

kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom

dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been

kidnapper: he was

dad: on his phone probably

kidnapper: fast asleep

dad: i guarantee you he was faking it

I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars

I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament

nobody:

4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.

My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.

The human race is doomed.

E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen

*Re-arranges the dishwasher.

“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”

Guys named Geoff.

You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.

Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.

My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.

Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.

thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones

People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?

Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.

store clerk: can I help you find anything

me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*

i’ve decided to handle this like a mature adult…i’m telling your mom

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘monosyllabic’

“Can you describe it in a sentence?”

Yes

The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.

A little boy just said thank you after taking a sweet and then wished me a very enthusiastic merry Christmas

Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.

Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’

Clerk: Pants are implied

Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.

OP deleted but I saved my stupid joke for posterity anyway