Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…

If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?

Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.

Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”

Me: “I was born three months premature.”

Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.

What level of hell is this?

12: You’re almost half a century old.

Me: Go to your room.

Him: Do you swallow?

Me: Every time I chew.

A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.

I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’

Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.

i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.

Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.

Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before

Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.

If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.

Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.

11-year-old: I did.

Me: They’re still on the floor.

11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones

Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed

Judas is buying everyone shots.

Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him

I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.

Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.

[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming

I believe in workplace drug testing.

That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.

Let’s test which one works faster.

i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict

[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf

On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.

Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂

You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.

How to be a beautiful woman*:

– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws

*Awesome dragon