Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.

Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?

husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?

me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes

cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*

This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight

I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.

One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.

I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!

Cookie.

There, happy now? You cunts.

me: i need answers

smashmouth guy: please i have a family

me: [tasing him again] who told you?

smashmouth guy: aaagh

me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me

smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY

Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys

Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size

Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house

My husband ordered takeout tonight from a place that previously ignored his note about pickles so he tried to make it stand out.

Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.

Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.

I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct

There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.

As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table

When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.

How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?

The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.

“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”

me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok

Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way

The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.

As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.

I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.

I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.

My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.

Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.

Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat

Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…

me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente