Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
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Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.