Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
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In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Spotted in New Orleans.
I’m listening
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.