Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.

You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.

“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit

“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”

My doctor said my cervix is perfect.

I’m still blushing.

(before sex)

*sings national anthem

If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.

Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃

i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again

My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.

Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.

Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.

Me: I understand.

*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*

If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.

Is Mark short for something like Markathon?

Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather

Me:

Her:

Me: you study whether what?

I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”

Speak now or ever hold your peace

Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.

Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.

The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will finally be complete

Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.

Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!

I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.

Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible

Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too

I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.

What goes “ooooooooo”?

A cow with no lips.

feb 14: i love everything about u

feb 15: don’t breathe like that

ME: my clothes are getting smaller

WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight

ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this

Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.

I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.

Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!