Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
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Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
The Bachelorette… but for cats.