Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is

Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.

DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.

ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.

“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”

[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]

78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60

My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.

Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.

Wait for it

Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone

Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.

Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”

airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?

me: how many spiders am I allowed?

airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*

Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow

Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.

Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.

Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah

No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.

Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.

Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.

“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock

[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?

DATE: The worst night of my life

ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail

Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.

[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do

“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”

[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is

How can you tell baby kangaroos apart when they’re all named Joey?

Magician: Is this your card?

Me: Yes

Magician: And this?

Me: Yup

Magician: How about this one?

Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet

Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you

[in bed]

gf: I thought we could experiment with toys

me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear

[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*

Breaking news: