Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
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I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once