Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins

Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-

Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed

Me: … that long

*gets filled with hope*

Hope: *has a leak*

jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget

Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw

*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough

Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.

Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!

Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.

“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times

A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away

*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we are

Me [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn

F: well?
Me: we’re in China

I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.

“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”

I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.

It was.

I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.

[leaving Hooters]

Wife: you thought there’d be owls

Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous

My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.

Not the sharpest cheddar on the charcuterie board…

new app: may we send you notifications?

me: sure

app: *sends notification*

me: oh hell no

Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa

Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?

me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.

me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH

Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine

When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black

Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK

If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too

“Je t’aime” = “I love you”

“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”

[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH

I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.

if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.

felt that

Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.