Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
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“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.