Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
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Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.