Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”

-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands

“I’ve been coronated”

-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now

families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one

playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.

If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.

Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..

The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.

ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.

PARAMEDICS: …

Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise

Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”

They didn’t like me very much.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off

totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure

Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.

When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.

I turn off the light to sprinkle on hot sauce because I like surprises

*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no

I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.

Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.

MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP

2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank

1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing

One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there

Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops

If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.

Stephen King ruined corn children for me

My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.

Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least

*first time fishing*

Me: Ok now what

Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth

Me: orkay nrow wrhat

[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)

Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved

Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.

My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her

Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.