Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5yo: That will be 5 dollars.

Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.

Hey! Where’s my change?

5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.

[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.

[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.

Him: You need to be more active in your community.

My Community: NOOOOO!!!!

– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?

Sending my 6yo to law school considering how many arguments I’ve had to hear about why he should get to eat pumpkin pie today

If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.

You can start billing people for psychic readings.

her: let’s try roleplaying

me: can I be a hypochondriac?

her: you got it

me: *suddenly nervous* got what

I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.

Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?

Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.

My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer

Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.

Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.

SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!

ME: Grandma?

[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]

I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.

I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.

Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.

*orders delivery*

My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite

If you’re alone on Thanksgiving, venmo me $25 and I’ll call and ask you when are you gonna get a “real” job and give me grandchildren.

MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.

My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.

I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician

stop

*receives a monthly bill*

didn’t i just pay this last month??

Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?

Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.

The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.

Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story