Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.

I am a man with convictions.

Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.

I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .

Well… I can’t see that taking off…

Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.

[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”

I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.

I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.

Yoga Matt

no caffeine: day 6

-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead

ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say

Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.

Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.

I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband

This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.

I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”

I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.

My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank

If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??

If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.

Alexa; make it look like an accident

I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely

I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.

Okay, I’m still confused…

Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.

HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel

MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway

HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea

[police lineup]

COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card

ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?

WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer

Househunters, but for birds

Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.

Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops

Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick

[Garden Of Eden]

Adam: Is this your first time?

Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.

A food delivery system that only delivers food containing potatoes.

Tuber Eats.