Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.

[day 8 of quarantine]

me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time

monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here

me:

monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again

monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here

Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.

Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?

WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.

when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus

[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies

me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do

kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them

I weigh at least 17 squirrels

I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.

Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.

me: I’m gonna work from home today

co-pilot: wait

My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?

Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.

Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit

Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁

*Watching Friday the 13th VII*

GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?

Me: Yeah.

GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.

How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people

Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off

I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.

Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.

I’d like to speak to America’s manager.

2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.

Finally

Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day

[1st time doing the sex]

her: wanna get on top

me: uh, sure

[later]

me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up

ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning

moses: 🙂

ramses: oh you son of a-

I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?

~ me 30 minutes into dieting

My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.

DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze

[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you like

HER: I really get off on exhibitionism

ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool

From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.