Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Produce Aisle]

Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.

*mouthful of like 20 grapes *

“That lady took one too!!”

If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it

why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me

You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”

19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.

What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?

Girl seeing my torn jeans

Where’d you get those?!

*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*

The Gap.

We are the people our parents warned us about.

[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*

Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.

I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.

describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys

if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.

5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.

My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.

In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.

Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.

Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.

Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead

U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…

Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.

If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.

When the moon hits your eye
Like it’s 5:45,
That’s November

My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.

[ brings ouija board to your grave ]

“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”

Dogs should be allowed to drive.

– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!

– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.

me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?

sean bean: you want my autograph or not?

me: I do, shawn bawn.

When William Shakespeares first wrote the bible, he called the four horsemen of the apocalypse Smelt, Dealt, Denied & Supplied.